5 Habits of Happy Couples
by DaleZawada on Mar.21, 2010, under Comedy Writing
Well yahoo is at it again with their main page ‘romance’ articles of stupidity. I’ve taken on yahoo’s relationship articles in the past but this time we get 5 habits of happy couples. Here is their list (in fruity blue) followed by MY alterations.
1. Reach Out – “In the words of an old commercial, “Reach out and touch someone…” But not just anyone. Your spouse! They’ll be sure to thank you for it. And while you might not be having sex with the pool man or the cashier in the grocery store (or maybe you are, but that’s a different blog post) there’s no reason you can’t break through that wall we all put up with a friendly, “Thanks. Hey, how is your day going?”
1. Reach Arounds – That’s right.
2. Be Thankful – “Yes, it’s a bit cliche, but it works. I wrote a poem recently expressing just how thankful I am for the little things Rex does to keep this household running.” Wow. Just… wow.
2. Be Ready – A little surprise sex keeps relationships fresh. And remember, it isn’t sexual assault if you call it surprise sex.
3. Live Your Passion – “This is a biggy for me and perhaps it is for you. In a nut shell, sexual passion is awesome, but after ten years of marriage, it can die down. I have found the more I feed my passion for things non-Rex related, the more I come back to him with a libido more buzzed than my brain after 3 cups of Yuban. Though I need to work on the stinky coffee breath thing. In time… in time.”
What the hell does that even mean? There is no advice there. There was complaining about their ten years of failed marriage but what does live your passion mean? Someone had to pad this list to get to 5 I think.
3. SHOW Your Passion – Get crazy, get freaky! Get those toys out, the lubes, the whips and chains and get down how you live! Live your passion by showing your passion! (See, they should have put that in there. Anytime you want to hire me, Yahoo, I am right here)
4. Make Do – “The idea is to be happy with what you have, not what you don’t. I couldn’t agree more. For me, this applies to things as well as personality traits. So our kitchen looks like a 1950’s showroom on crack. Do we have electricity? Running water? Food in a fridge? Yes yes and yes? Well that just makes me want to say those words in the bedroom.”
WHAT?!? How does that translate to the bedroom? “Got a penis? Yeah? Okay let’s do this thing.” This lady is a whore and I like her style.
4. Make Do – Hell yeah. Got a wet spot down there? Turn off the light and let’s rock.
5. Enjoy the Simple Pleasures – “This one is my favorite. For us, it’s not about fancy dinners out or new furniture. Cooking together in the kitchen and having a picnic lunch with our kids on the lawn with the laundry drying on the line? That’s pretty spectacular also.”
This lady sounds truly unhappy but is forced to write romance posts. I picture her husband over her shoulder with his fists clenched. “WRITE ABOUT HOW AWESOME I AM! NOW!”
5. Enjoy the Eastern Pleasures – Go to Walden books and get yourself a Kama Sutra. There’s a lot in there to keep things fresh and it will keep somebody happy. Happy enough he won’t beat you and force you to write romance articles for yahoo.com.
Closing Paragraph – “What are your secrets to a happy marriage? And, hard to believe, with me not being a perfect-looking specimen naked, I’m certainly happy that Rex subscribes to these 5 “how to be happy” tips also.”
She…she actually did it. She did the “My husband is awesome(please don’t beat me) thing. That’s amazing. And she said she’s ugly, which I’m sure Rex tells her every night.
That’s her. She doesn’t even look happy in her profile picture. Her other picture is of her in the basement chained to the washing machine. If you want a man to treat you right, Andrea, ol’ Dale Zawada is right here, baby. I’ll treat you reeeaaaaaal good.*
*As long as the dishes are washed.
10 Comments for this entry
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March 22nd, 2010 on 1:13 PM
Hi Dale –
I don’t find it offensive, but I don’t really find you funny either. If you have to go out of your way to bash other people, then perhaps it’s time to think about yourself for a little bit.
Good luck. My ugly person will go back to my basement of chains now. Thanks for the insight.
Andrea
March 22nd, 2010 on 11:44 PM
Hello Mr Zawada:
I’m writing to express my support of your blog post- I even showed my husband your article! He immediately beat me for the very serious transgression of expressing independant thought.
You’ll be happy to hear my husband sent me back to my kitchen where I belong of course (and after some “suprise” sex). Because after all, hopes, dreams, and opinions are Satan’s way of distracting women from making dinner.
Sincerely,
A Good Wife
March 23rd, 2010 on 1:14 AM
Thanks!
March 23rd, 2010 on 8:37 AM
wow. I am finding it hard to figure out the point of this article… is it MEANT to be mean spirited and cruel? success! Was it meant to be funny and witty? Not so much In the future, I’d try avoiding words like ugly and whore- parody isn’t supposed to personally attack.
Hope you find some better material in the future.
March 23rd, 2010 on 9:30 AM
I can’t believe I just wasted 5 minutes of my life reading this. I guess you’re trying to be funny, but it doesn’t come across as even remotely humorous.
Do you not have any original ideas of your own to write about? I knew people like you in high school. They made fun of other people to cover up their own insecurities.
I hope you use your talents in a more positive manner because then I’m sure I’ll actually enjoy reading your work.
March 23rd, 2010 on 12:23 PM
So she is beaten, chained to a washing machine and ugly to boot… and she can still write circles around you. Wow! She must have some serious talent. That must be why she is on the front page of Yahoo and you are, well, just a yahoo (read Gulliver’s travels if you can’t figure out that reference, or maybe have someone read it to you).
I think I detect an acute case of “penner’s envy”: you are frustrated by your sad, inadequate little writings and humor attempts, and so you attack those who have talent and large reading audiences. If you insist on trying you hand at humor and writing, you might consider crafting some original material rather than digesting other people’s good writing and regurgitating the kind of smelly vomit you showcase in your post above, which is neither funny, helpful or even interesting. But then again, it may be the only way you can lure people into reading what you write.
March 23rd, 2010 on 1:42 PM
The Yahoo article was bad because it was obviously written without the input of men. If men were consulted, they were not representative of most men. That’s why magazines like Cosmo are totally useless.
Satire and parody are lost on people today, I suppose. Dale, this was hardly your best work, but it certainly wasn’t offensive or in any way “wrong.” I don’t think these ladies would appreciate your stand-up since they lack that thing. What’s it called? Oh, yes, it’s a sense of humor that’s absent from most of these comments.
March 23rd, 2010 on 1:52 PM
Not your best work, but still a fun play on lame relationship advice. Then again, I understand irony. Unlike my wife who only understands ironing BAZINGA!
Had to. Keep it up, Dale.
March 24th, 2010 on 7:37 PM
Darn – if you’re gonna hijack someone else’s material, at least try and improve on it. But I’ll say something nice…. Don’t quit your day job.
April 12th, 2010 on 8:43 PM
I can agree with you on part of your post, I really don’t like the yahoo “romance” bits. I just think they are normally cheesy, overused or just boring. But I will say that a lot of your comments on the author were a little much. When you start talking about abuse on different levels and you think that it is funny? Well I guess that is what shows me one reason you “choose” to be single and why I’m not really interested in what else you have say (even if it may be funny to some).